I Think I'm Getting it Now


So I've been woken up this morning by a boat fog horn, something which sounds like its right outside my window rather then 2 miles away. In a way I'm happy as I'm trying this new productive thing while I'm home for easter and laying in past 9 just isn't an option, so in a way you could say the 8:30 wake up call that has continued on well past 9 o'clock was a good thing for me, the rest of my town not so much, I'm sure there'll be hungover chavs somewhere who just want to sleep. But that isn't the point of this rambling. I remember I wrote a blog post just after new years where I mentioned this would be the year I get my mojo back. Well I haven't been feeling a lot of mojo as lately and just a lot of nothing, I mean I turnt 20 felt old but nothing quite more then that really, there wasn't any big life moment when I realised this was all or nothing and there wasn't much more to do then moan about feeling old, which just made me feel about 50 not 20. I wanted to turn the big 2 0 and suddenly know how to put my life in order, know what needed to be done in order to have my own empire by the time I was 30, I wanted to know how many kids to have and I wanted to know if this cycle of being alone would last forever. So far all I've discovered is I now like beetroot and can no longer drink J├Ąger bombs; this isn't how I expected non teenage years to turn out. I mean please someone, anyone am I doing it wrong. 


I remember when I would hear people say they were 25 and 26 and think that it was old, that there was so so so many years before I even came close to thinking about that age, but then I understand that the moment you sent your Tinder search age to 27, internal Alice isn't thinking that age is so far away and maybe she's even closer then she thought to the time period that I like to refer to as 'real adulthood' because let's face it, Tinder says 27 is okay then well lets all listen to Tinder and accept 27 as part of my life now.  Okay so I'm 20 and I'm sure if I worked in an office somewhere in London then I could call myself a 'real' adult, but I can still walk into a bar on student night but a £1 shot dance to Mr Brightside and all someone knows is I'm aged somewhere between 18 and 23; I would rather someone think 18, I might not be old but I sure as hell am not okay with something thinking I'm older then I am, I've got to keep all the years I can. 

*Tonight Matthew I'm going to be 18 and irresponsible.* 

Growing up is a hard one, you think you're ready to be mature and then something silly happens, or one to many vodkas and cokes and suddenly you realise you weren't quite the grown up adult you thought you were, suddenly things you thought were good are okay and well the things you thought made you seem like an adult aren't adultly at all and all that really matters is understanding home insurance, how to do taxes, what taxes actually mean and will your 'creative' job get you a good enough wage survive once your parents kick you out. Being able to understand that not putting red in with your whites, not tumble drying wool and throwing mouldy bread out rather then cutting it off are life skills rather then acts showing you you're grown up. Be warned, this little revelation will all come at once, more then likely when you are hung over on a Saturday morning, while you're on the toilet or when you're tying to work out what toilet cleaner is best to buy. 


In light of revelations coming left right and centre, I decided to have my own, what if I stopped caring, what if me being an adult is me stopping caring about being an adult. I can write when I stop caring what people think, I can create stuff when I stop thinking people will care and I can do pretty much anything I want when I stop giving a shit about the random or not so random opinion of people. So that's that then, I'm gonna stop caring if I look grown up or mature or even sensible, there is no way any can say I do stupid things, silly yes maybe but not stupid. 
I joke all the time that I feel old, and it's funny when you share a flat with people a year younger, the whole 'generation gap' jokes come into full swing and when they know people younger then them, you can't help but sounds as though you're 100 and they're 5. 
Over the past couple of days alone I can recall 3 different conversations simply discussing growing up, wanting to move to London, where we want to be and relationships, all in my eyes very grown up things, yet all without the added drama of sounding like our time is running out and that if we don't do them all within the next year we'll self implode. 
That's it, that's what I've been trying to say, I'm going to be a grown up, but with time, there is no way I am running into serious stuff real life adults deal with, I still have the chance of coming home and making my mum buy all my food and take me out for dinner, I'm allowed to sit and cry on the sofa as Gerrard Butler sing Hilary Swank to sleep and I'm allowed to feel as though just right now I don't want to be a real life adult, I just want to be a little bit of an adult. I'll try some more out later I promise.  












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