Dating Game: Dead

Is it something I did in a past life that has left me eternally dammed to being alone and single, will I only ever fulfil my cool aunt potential and will the chilling words of “oh you’re STILL single” never stop following me around! But maybe it might be my total flair for being a little over dramatic that is to blame for why my love life seems to have come to a complete and utter stand still. Wasn’t there meant to be more to single life then downloading the latest dating app, using it for 3 months before you realise that the phrase “so when you wanna meet?” translates from fuck boy language loosely into “so you come back to my place, we have awkward sex, then you can decide to stay over or not, but I’d kinda rather you left straight away and then I’ll never see you again. And this whole thing will just be a little something that happened and never gets mentioned or meant anything to either of us.” If I’m being honest I would like to have a one on one late night talk show style interview with a successful dating app couple; just to find out how they did it? And if there was any chance of them realising a book about what the hell they did to cheat the system and come out of this with more than just an 2am hook up text.
I guess that the idea of meeting guys and judging them completely on 5 photos taken when they looked their very best, fitting their interests into 140 characters and messaging the one friend connection you have with them on Facebook in order to discover who their ex is, what they love and if they’re a generally an all-round nice person or not all while from the comfort of your sofa while crying into the pillow at a Leonardo Dicaprio movie could work out in your favour; but is that really what we all imagined the dating world would be like when we were younger. Now I’m not running after the perfect imagine of love and in fact I don’t have any problem in a 2am hook up text but it would be nice to know there are more options out there. A true guy to cling onto or even the back-up plan of something a little more grown up then the guys I seem to be swiping on.
The problem I face is brought back to the works of Mr John Cusack, Hugh Grant and a little Miss Austen, they seemed to have raised the expectations bar too high and no one else is coming close to touching it. I don’t see Mr Darcy booty calling Liz in the early hours of the morning ‘because he’s bored and wants to tap some arse’ and I’m pretty sure that Hugh Grant never a played part that included wing manning his mate in the hope of pulling 2 friends and getting a threesome out of it. So if I’ve been brought up on these romantic pieces of art then who the hell has been teaching these guys all it takes is one google of a chat up line, a single snapchat and suddenly in our eyes they’re Prince bloody charming.
I imagine young girls watching romantic comedies and thinking that this how they find love, this is how the jock realising they don’t fancy the cheerleader but in fact they’ve fallen madly and truly in love with the quiet geeky lab partner that no one saw coming is how relationships work out… and then I imagine the reaction they have when it hits them square in the face that this isn’t how dating works, because the jock will get the cheerleader as the cheerleader has the confidence to meet the random guy for a date and the quiet science girl doesn’t.
Because so far in between the offers of meeting someone for a quickie, back handed compliments that I’m pretty for a ‘big girl’ and straight up insults, I have failed to see how a dating app such as Tinder can do anything other than force girls to love themselves more than they did posing in their best photo. Because if bio’s were honest and said what people really meant then mine would do more than express how Facebook have got my age wrong, what university course I’m studying and whether or not I’m a dog or cat person; this is more the gist of how things would be.

“Hi I’m Alice, I’m 20 years old and for 100% of those 20 years I have been as single as they can get, but please don’t be fooled, I have chosen the best photos that highlight my great hair, the clearest of my eyes and a subtle few that show you I have a shapely bum, but they don’t make it too obvious so you can’t think I’m easy as hell to sleep with. Please be nice to me and make me feel special cause at the moment I’m more than likely on the toilet trying to pass the time or bored lying in bed at 3am with nothing to watch on Netflix. Oh and my dog is a better person then you ever will be!”

I came to Tinder with not much hope, I’m still on tinder with not much hope, but every now and again it does teach me one thing. I could give each of you a play by play of which towns over the United Kingdom have the best looking people, the nicest people and the horniest people. If you’re interested London fills 2 of those categories. It might not have done much to my dating, it hasn’t in many areas added anything to my life, other then made me think some guys need to search the ‘Romance’ genre on their film lists a little more and learn a trick or two. We don’t ask for much, but a dick pick over the dinner table isn’t what I had my heart set on.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Get out more, see the real guys and make more of an effort meeting new people. And in an ideal world that’s what I would be doing, if I had the time to get dressed up, spend months working on something, the smallest of feelings and hoping it goes somewhere; all in between university essays, working, spending time with friends and generally doing what I want then that might work out to in fact be the best option. But so far this 20 something year old hasn’t found the dating world to be very much in her favour.


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