1:05am


         I wrote this on my phone in my notes at 00:54am. I wrote this on my phone when I had nothing else to write about. I have been wanting to write stuff for a long time now, I seem to have lost my motivation for a lot of things, and sadly writing is there at the front running away faster then I can catch it. I wrote this when there was nothing else inside my head other then thought of why I can not sleep.

         I thought this at 00:55am and I realised my head wasn't empty, there was a reason I was awake when everybody else was sleeping. There was too much in my head. There is too much in my mind that sleep seems to be getting knocked down the list each and every time. Maybe I should try and clear out my mind. So I wrote this at 00:57am. What really is going round in my head. What is stopping me from sleeping.

         1. The fear of being successful. The dread of starting something and not having the courage or ideas to continued it on to what everyone wants it to become. I give up a lot in life. Not through choice or simply changing my mind. I stop acting on impulses because I am afraid those impulses will get somewhere that I have no control over any more. I would need more then my 10 fingers to count the times I have 'failed' in fear of it getting out of my control. At 00:59 before the first hour of the morning is over I want to start to carry things forward. I want to write more of my ideas down and make time for them. I need the understanding that just because something might get bigger then me doesn't mean I can't grow with it. 1:00am; the morning hits. I should be sleeping I have work tomorrow... No I mean today. I have work today. Work that seems like a Challenge.

         2. Priorities. Work does not come before play. Play being the metaphorical sense of the word. Playing coming down to the roots of simple enjoyment. I want. No I need to be able to desperate the small job I hold and the job of the future I want and need to achieve. There is something I seem to be forgetting lately. This is not the rest of my life. This is now. And for now it does all I want it to do. It allows me to find the material pretty things I want to buy and let's me have some social commitments. But this is not the future. 1:04am. My brain starts to separate work from now and work in the future. Nothing is negative about either of them. Just both are to be understood in their own ideas. So for my 10:00am start job that doesn't build the foundations of my future or even my passions. But as for 1:05am it suits me for me right now.

         3. Me right now. 1:06am. I am content for me myself and only I. There is no need to feel a space with anyone else. There is the misconception that being alone is lonely. But I am alone and far from lonely. 1:07am. There is often a joke which I make in light hearted way that I do not have time for self let alone someone else. This is however true. I do not and have not for a select period of time had time to make myself happy. This is something I am building on. This is not a matter which requires someone else. 1:09am I am in my dark room. Writing on my phone screen selfishly glad that I have my double bed to myself. Yet sadly hoping individuals do not still confuse being alone with lonely. It is a misconceived judgment that helps create early hour thoughts I sometimes wonder between both descriptions. Am I sure I am not one without the other. And can I really be content and happy with my single self. Yes, yes I can.

         4. Yes I am happy in myself right now with this moment of the morning. My alarm is set for 6:00am so by morning I could have changed mood depending on my dream or the final length of time I eventually get of sleep. But 1:12am I am happy with me. There has been 3 continuous days of exercise, my brain is telling me I look better but my legs just tell me they ache. To help aid the tiredness of those 3 days I have continued to make an 'effort' for my job which has helped to contribute to painful legs. But enjoying my double bed at 1:14am doesn't feel so bad right now. However, it could be said that I am not happy. For would I be thinking these 4 topics if I had fallen asleep at 11:00pm? I can be sure there would not be questions circling my brain on repeat rather then the sheep I wish to count in order to meet my 6:00am start. I worry that I miss out on creativity to aid the need to close my eyes. My brain appears to creep up on me at 1:05am and still it only feels ever so slightly lighter. Does there need to be more early starts, or is this a late finish in order to help me write. Does there need to be more of the deathly silence to which I crave so much when an idea appears.

It's 1:18am, a new day, however my brain still feels the opposite of the sleep I require.

1:19am and I hope I get to sleep soon.

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