Dear Dad....


Dear Dad, 

   I feel as though these letters, always seem to start of the same way, this isn't a bad thing I was hoping I could think of something new and creative to make you laugh, and I had the idea of bringing in my northern roots and simply starting off with, 
  "Hey Up Chuck," but I'm not to sure if that is linked in with women or generic to everyone; I'll make a note to ask mum and let you know. Right so after all that I can imagine you telling me to 'get bloody on with it' you know the way you use to tell mum when her 5 minuet stories turn into a 20 minuet novel. 
   I hope I've made you proud. Mum always says that I but it isn't quite the same as having you here, pulling the face you pulled to try and hide the happy tears. I want to imagine you sitting up there hogging the remote, seeing Sheffield Wednesdays win (cause you know if they can't win in heaven then wants the point aye?) and saying "that's my girl that is, down there, big curly hair, just like me when I was younger."
   And even though this is a letter to you dad I can imagine you sitting with mums mum Nanny Brenda and a simple reply of "Our girl John, ouR Girl." It's strange to think of you not here anymore more, and even though this year marks 6 years since you died on the bad days I still expect to be waiting up for you to get home from your shift at work and to come through the door and moan at me and Desma for staying up this late, "you have school in the morning you know?" I imagine you coming home all the time, I imagine you taking mum out on dates and Imagine you sneaking us through the secrets doors on the DLR platform whenever we go to a musical up London. I don't like to admit to myself that this won't happen again, sometime I wish I would wake up and this would have all been a bad dream, in fact much more then a bad dream. A nightmare! Yet if that has been the case none of the past 6 years would have happened; I wouldn't have finished school and got my GCSE's (yes I know they weren't the best, but look at me know, so who needs them aye!) Started and finished college. Something that brought me close to some amazing people, too me to Berlin and also taught me that you can choose 3 subjects that have nothing to do with want you want to do as a career and still hopefully, finger crossed be successful in the career I want. I wouldn't have been to Florida twice, realised what I actually truly want to do as a career, got my place in university, deferred it again and left it for another year; started and nearly finished college at the FRA and one of the things that really kicks me in the gut is I wouldn't have met some of the most amazing people i have met at college. 
  This is no way me saying those amazing things would never have happened and yes they were amazing and yes they weren't all great but there is nothing in this world that I wouldn't go through, trading 6 years seems a decent bet to have you back again just for one day. One day would be enough for the last 6 years, I mean if you could come back for longer then that would be great stay as long as your allowed. I'll make you a brew and mum will cook you dinner, FYI I'm veggie now so you can have my steak, and yes I know you'd say it's nonsense but if dads can't tell you want you are doing is silly then what can they do. 
   The feeling I get when I think about, and I mean really think about the fact that I will never see you again, kills me, I've accepted it but it's never something I let myself dwell on too much. I can't it hurts too much. 
  Mum use to have your fleece over the chair in the dining room but its not there now, I think it's in her room wit your other stuff, the smell has faded now, yes I use to be one of those people who smells the clothes of the person they lost. Crazy mourning daughter for the win. (I hope you would be able to understand my sarcasm, mum finds me funny so hopefully once in a while I make you laugh just a little bit.)
  There is still a lot of things that I wish I would look up and see you there, come home and know you were home but I know that this isn't the case. But more then anything I hope I'm doing you proud. I hope you are bursting with pride everything time I do something, getting into uni, completing college and getting over all the silly things you always told me I have nothing to worry about. Because you know if I can make you as proud as you have and keep making me feel then I know I've done an alright job. 


I will love you forever and always Dad, I miss you more and more each day and wish you could be here to see me through everything. 

Loving Always 
xAx 

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